{"id":1070,"date":"2010-06-02T16:22:45","date_gmt":"2010-06-02T22:22:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/stylusmagazine.ca\/?p=1070"},"modified":"2010-06-02T16:22:45","modified_gmt":"2010-06-02T22:22:45","slug":"rob-vilars-story-time-beach-house","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/2010\/06\/02\/rob-vilars-story-time-beach-house\/","title":{"rendered":"Rob Vilar’s Story Time – Beach House"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Rob Vilar<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

<\/em>02:37 a.m. On a seaside pier, parts unknown.<\/em><\/p>\n

With a splash of some unknown abrasive alcohol awakening me out of my stupor, I find myself bound to a straight jacket on a seaside pier. A foreign-looking Henchman and two of his goons look me over.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were gone there for a while,\u201d\u00a0 says the Henchman in his thick South African accent.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah tell me about it,\u201d\u00a0 I reply.<\/p>\n

\u201cRob Vilar,\u201d\u00a0 he says while taking a shot of the rough stuff from his flask, \u201cYou don\u2019t know me but I know\u00a0 you. I am the man who is about to change the course of your history. Months ago we were running illegal MP3s on music blogs for advertising revenue from California Apparel. It was a great windfall for us\u2026 the money, the skanks that would sleep with us for publicity. It was a dream. We also ensured no\u00a0artists got any cash for their original compositions. Anyways, it was all running perfectly, until you had to come with your Story Time reviews, and try to be funny, call our shit out and everything. Fuck you, Vilar. But you know what?\u00a0Now you are alone. All your colleagues dead, except that slut partner of yours.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, knowing her, I\u2019m pretty sure she has someth-\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSHUT UP!”\u00a0He screams as he pistol whips me across the face. \u201cYou see that house burning on the beach?\u00a0 That was your home, I presume. Well, just think in the morning when there\u2019s nothing but a smouldering ash of what was once your house, you will be laid to rest at the bottom of this ocean. Fully intact and preserved for the rest of time. Our way to honour you Vilar. But your partner, once we get ahold of her…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou son of a bitches!\u201d I yell while struggling to get out my straightjacket.<\/p>\n

The Henchman takes one last swig from his flask and throws it to the ocean. He shouts to his goons, \u201cJonsi!\u00a0 Armelio! Make sure Vilar has the last sip of that!\u201d His goons pick me up and toss me into the sea.<\/p>\n

While sinking down to my watery grave, I see the moonlight slowly fade away from view. Then I notice my record collection scattered all around me. \u201cThey dumped my records too!?\u00a0Asshole! That\u2019s it.\u201d<\/p>\n

I settle. Then with a surging stream of adrenaline stirring my body like a 4:00 a.m. shot of Jager, I forcibly pop my arm out of my shoulder socket\u2026
\n***<\/p>\n

02:47 a.m. Same seaside pier.<\/em><\/p>\n

Two goons are listening to music from their car\u2018s stereo. One of them is singing along.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn De-cem-ber, drinking Hor-cha-ta\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI like that song. It reminds me of the homeland.\u201d says the other.<\/p>\n

Then, with a rake of chains held in my good arm, I jump onto the dock and belt one of them in the face. The other goon notices and charges towards me. I kick him in the groin, wrap the chains around his neck, and flip him over. Breaking his neck in the process. The other goon gets up and pulls out a gun. I immediately disarm him with a toss of my chains to his shooting hand. I hurl towards him then, throw him into a car window, open the car door, put his head near the lock\u2026and fully slam his head in with the car door. His head rotates a full 360 and plops off. I pop my shoulder joint back into place and puke.<\/p>\n

I get into their vehicle, pull their iPod from the stereo, and toss it into the ocean. I then pull a disc from my jacket, Beach House\u2019s Teen Dream<\/em>, and pop it into the CD player. \u201cWell, at least these things are water resistant,\u201d\u00a0I say to myself. I ignite the car\u2019s engine and peel off. I find a mobile phone on the passenger seat and call my crime-fighting partner.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, you there?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVilar!? OMG I\u2019ve been trying to reach you for hours!\u201d\u00a0 she responds.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou safe?\u201d\u00a0 I ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am. You don\u2019t know what\u2019s been going on!\u00a0 All our squad is down. Wilson, Stewart, Henkelman, Sigurdson, Radford, Michaelson, Kives\u2026are all down.\u201d she continues.<\/p>\n

\u201cScoundrels!\u00a0OK, listen. Tonight I\u2019m not a music critic, you hear me?\u00a0Tonight, like every mean-spirited first time reviewer, I\u2019m going for blood! Pricks, they even destroyed my record collection and burned my beach house down.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSpeaking of which, is that the new Beach House you\u2019re listening to?\u201d\u00a0 she asks.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt sure is! It seems on this new release, their first for the Sub Pop record label, they\u2019ve refined their sound somewhat. Take the lead off track for instance, “Zebra.”\u00a0 It gets more at what they\u2019ve been striving for the last couple albums. A little more variation sound wise and greater urgency in tone, but oh, still retaining that dreaminess that we love them for!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWowwie zowwie, sounds dreamy. Well listen, Vilar, don\u2019t go blowing your cred on transparent hateful music writers, we\u2019ve got an assignment to get to tonight.\u00a0Apparently there\u2019s gonna be an illegal shipment of something going down at the shipyard. Rendezvous there in 40?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSee you in 40,\u201d\u00a0 I answer. I turn the mobile off and crank the stereo up.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

03:58 a.m. Ship yard entrance.<\/em><\/p>\n

I lay low beside a freight carrier when my partner arrives.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey I was listening to that Beach House album on the way over here, too!\u00a0 I gotta say that song ‘Norway’ is probably my favourite. Has this great midtempo ’80s rock feel to it.\u201d\u00a0 she says.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, it does, sort of in a similar vein to another song\u2014’Lover of Mine.’\u201d\u00a0 I reply.<\/p>\n

\u201cWow, you look really battered!\u00a0Not bad at all,\u201d\u00a0she says as she slowly runs her hand along my face and chest. I stand there puzzled for a moment. \u201cOh yeah, here\u2019s a couple things of yours I brought.” She hands me a red baseball cap and 9mm Beretta.<\/p>\n

I put the cap on, check the gun clip, and reply, \u201cLet’s scout these freights out.\u201d<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

04:16 a.m. Ship yard, beside zebra freight carrier.
\n<\/em>
\n\u201cOMG, look at this,\u201d\u00a0she says as we both enter a freight carrier with zebra insignias on it. \u201cThe shell of this freight looks like the album cover of the Teen Dream album, which is a great cover by the way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHoly shit, check this out,\u201d\u00a0 I say. Inside the freight carrier we find a rich bounty of MP3s, along with a Smart Car and some artillery.<\/p>\n

\u201cThese MP3s are probably unreleased and illegal. Shit, do you know how much revenue we can generate diverting web traffic to these things?\u00a0 I\u2019ll probably be able to buy that cappuccino machine I\u2019ve always wanted,\u201d\u00a0 she says.<\/p>\n

I stare coldly at her and respond, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you take it?\u00a0 I like a good cup of cappuccino too.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNah\u2026\u201c\u00a0 she says as she ponders for a second.\u00a0 \u201cIts douche money. I want no part of it.\u201d.<\/p>\n

Suddenly we hear the freight doors close on us and begin to feel our carrier getting elevated. With a rushed sense of panic overcoming us, I immediately turn to her and say, \u201cSleep with me.\u201d.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait, I got a better plan,\u201d\u00a0 she says, putting on her own baseball cap.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

04:26 a.m. Ship yard docking platform.
\n<\/em>
\nThe Henchman (seen earlier on the seaside pier) is beside his Boss now. They both look at the suspended freight carrier with a sense of accomplishment.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy dear boss, they should be well dead when our cargo arrives in Cape Town next week,\u201d says the Henchman.<\/p>\n

\u201cGood work, Lionel. I just hope their rotting corpses won\u2019t stink up my cute little Smart Car too much.\u201d says the Boss.<\/p>\n

Suddenly without any warning, a Smart Car busts out of the suspended carrier, plunges on down wards into the sea, and disperses a whole whack of MP3s along with it.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy precious MP3s!\u201d\u00a0 says the Boss.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, it will be very hard to retrieve them in the water now,\u201d\u00a0 replies the Henchman.<\/p>\n

\u201cKill them,\u201d\u00a0 commands the Boss.
\n***<\/p>\n

04:27 a.m. Ship yard, inside zebra freight carrier.
\n<\/em>
\nWith ropes attached safely to the carrier and full artillery on hand, we quickly slide out and onto the platform.<\/p>\n

\u201cGo set up the clapper device!\u00a0 I\u2019ll take care of these goons!\u201d\u00a0 I instruct her. With a whole squadron of goons charging towards me and Beach House\u2019s “Better Times” resonating in my head, I slowly start to construct a portrait of carnage on the platform\u2019s floor. \u201cBloody well right, good times,” I say to myself. With one remaining goon now in sight and one last round left in my Beretta, I unload the rest of it until the clip falls out. I stop for a moment, take a breather, and slowly begin to feel my eyes swell.\u00a0 In all my time of killing, I never knew until now how many shades of red there existed. Then out of nowhere, a silver dagger comes swooshing through the air and into my calf. I hear a familiar voice\u2026<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you know that every Boer is a ninja?\u201d\u00a0 says the Henchman as he greets me with a boot to the face.<\/p>\n

I fall to the floor in excruciating pain.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m like a butterfly too,\u201d\u00a0 he announces while flaunting a series of tae bo moves.<\/p>\n

I remove the dagger from my calf and stab it his foot.<\/p>\n

\u201cAi!!!\u201d\u00a0 the Henchman screams.<\/p>\n

I get back on my feet again.<\/p>\n

Taking the dagger from his foot, the Henchman then says, \u201cA fool like you only deserves to die by the knife!\u201d<\/p>\n

I disarm him with a roundhouse kick.<\/p>\n

Pulling a gun from his pants, the Henchman now says, \u201cA fool like you only deserves to die by the gun!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDo you like pancakes?\u201d\u00a0 I ask him.<\/p>\n

The Henchman stands there bewildered for a brief moment and then answers, \u201cWhy yes\u2026I love pancakes. I eat them all the time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell you\u2019re gonna become one.\u201d I reply as I clap my hands and quickly jump out of harm\u2019s way. A hovering suspended carrier unhinges itself,\u00a0 plummets straight down, and flattens him.<\/p>\n

I look up to my partner and give her the thumbs up. She does the same. Then, out of the blue, I get taken down with five gun blasts to my chest. My partner quickly turns around, spots the shooter (that being the Boss), and shouts to him, \u201cDrop it asshole!\u201d She pulls out her Smith & Wesson.<\/p>\n

With a smile on his face (and iPhone in hand with the words “Best New Music” inscribed on its screen), he counters and says, \u201cCritic immunity!\u201d<\/p>\n

With a full moon lighting her half shadowed face and her hair fraying wildly in the night\u2018s air, she then lifts up her Smith & Wesson, takes aim, and blows his head off. \u201cIts just been revoked\u2026motherfucker.\u201d<\/p>\n

Turning over towards me now, where she finds me laying in a small puddle of blood and listening to my Discman.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnytime, anywhere, this Beach House album is perfect!\u201d\u00a0 I say.<\/p>\n

\u201cAny bad damage on you?\u201d\u00a0 she asks as she rushes over to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cCouple of new holes but nothing vital. Doesn\u2019t that excite you, anyways?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShut up,\u201d\u00a0 she says as she takes one of my ear buds and rolls into me,\u00a0 \u201c’Silver Soul,’ what a song to end the night with\u2026\u201d.<\/p>\n

\u201cHopefully we can cheer all this nonsense down before the paramedics come.\u201d\u00a0 I reply as I tear my bullet vest off and make my move.<\/p>\n

From here on out we get a panoramic skyline view of the ship yard with arriving police and ambulance squads. A sunset in the distance comes into view\u2026and then slowly fades with the song.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Rob Vilar 02:37 a.m. On a seaside pier, parts unknown. With a splash of some unknown abrasive alcohol awakening me out of my stupor, I find myself bound to a straight jacket on a seaside pier. A foreign-looking Henchman and two of his goons look me over. \u201cYou were gone there for a while,\u201d\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[804],"class_list":["post-1070","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-columns","tag-rob-vilars-story-time"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1070","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1070"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1070\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1070"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1070"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ckuw.ca\/stylus\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1070"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}